*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.