Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language