For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.