The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it