Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.