Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )