mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.