Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer