Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
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I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.