I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
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Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet