The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.