Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
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I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious