[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!