Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
FINE, I WON’T.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.