“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
spot the difference
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.