[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are