Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I feel this so hard
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The old gods are rising again.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.