I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”