I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
HR said no more nunchucks.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”