<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Haha good job!!
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*