I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
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Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
worst…sale…ever
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!