Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
You’ll be OK
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄