2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.