Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*