Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
This is sending me to another galaxy
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.