A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.