When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
🏙👨🏼
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese