Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.