I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
So true for me
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS