judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.