People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If you know, you know
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold