Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I can’t wait!
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball