12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.