My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
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Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂