[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire