The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.