[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My flabber has been gasted.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
This is my emotional support knife.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no