A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
You Might Also Like
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear