My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
never compromise your values
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My life in a nutshell
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.