Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
You Might Also Like
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
(Gaming support cat.)
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never