My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
You Might Also Like
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
This is my pinned tweet
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees