I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
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I know karate and tons of other words.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*aggressively waits in line*
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.