[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily