psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.