I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Social Media and Real life
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”