MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Just a bush.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm