[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.