If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me too
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man