GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.