maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Straight people are cancelled
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
when mom throws a party…
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.